


Illumination

by ElderberryWine



Category: Lord of the Rings - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Not part of any series.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-22
Updated: 2010-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-07 11:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/64888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElderberryWine/pseuds/ElderberryWine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam tries to explain, if only to himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illumination

Time was, when you would laugh. And no-one, nowhere, ever had a laugh like yours. Even in the middle of a crowded night at the Green Dragon, I could hear it - not that it was that loud, mind you, but it was so yours. I didn't always ever know what'd make you laugh, though, and sometimes it'd be your old Sam, when he never expected it. But that was always all right, 'cause to watch your face light up like that was a gift, every time. Even after we left the Shire, you'd laugh sometimes, mostly at your cousins. And if for naught but that, I'm glad they came along. But I never heard you laugh after we reached the Black Lands. Never again.

&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;

 

Time was, everything caught your eye. Birds'd fly overhead, you'd stop and watch.

"They rather look like hawks, Sam. But red-tailed, from the North, I think. I wonder where they're on their way to."

And I'd stop and look up too, and remember there were worlds outside of the Shire, for surely I never would have thought of that without you.

The study at Bag End was full of curious things; feathers, stones, dried flowers, even a smoothed piece of wood that old Mr. Bilbo said had come from the Sea. Most folks'd pass that sort of thing right by, but not you. You would look at that feather as if the turn of the plume, the drift of the vane, would give you that answer that you'd been looking for. And if there was time, you'd show me what you saw, and I'd marvel how I could have passed right by all these years without seeing. But then, ever after that, I'd always see what you'd shown me, and hear your soft voice again, all excited by the discovery.

&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;

 

Time was, I could make you happy. And it weren't that much as would do it, just to train morning glories around the bedroom window, so as they would open as of a morning when you would open your eyes, and which was bluer, why, I never knew. And the red poppies that I planted amidst the beans just to give your eye a bit of color, why that made you happy too. The honeysuckle vine that grew near the kitchen? The year the hummingbirds decided to make that their home, well, you couldn't be happier. We'd sit out near the vine, as of an evening, and watch them.

"Flying jewels", you'd call them, as surely they were. And we'd watch them until one would stop short, and hang in the air right in front of you, as if you were some rare flower the likes of which it'd never seen before.

But I know that you were never happy, once that cursed thing truly laid its claim on you, and nothing I could plant could ever change that.

&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;

 

Time was, your eyes were always so clear and bright, whether they shone with happiness or sparkled with mischief, and I have seen both. True, sometimes there were tears, but never more than a brief summer's shower, leaving the world all the brighter afterwards. There were no more tears after we returned to the Shire, but they never shone again, not that I ever saw. There was only pain there, as much as you always tried to hide it. You never got much past your old Sam, you know, me dear.

&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;

 

Time was, your touch was as light and fleeting as the brush of a butterfly's wing, but it would be enough to make me turn to you, craving more. Or your hands could be fierce and demanding on me, as if to keep me fast to your side whether I would or no. As if I could ever want anything else. I was always yours, and there never was anything you could have asked of me that I wouldn't have given you, no touch of yours that I didn't long for. No matter if it was a simple brush as you passed me in the hall of Bag End, or being folded up in your arms in our feather bed every night, I never felt your hands upon me and not feel as if my heart wanted to shout for pure joy. After we returned, you let me hold you, and brush your hair from your thin face, and you would even hold me in return. But you never reached out for me, no, not once.

&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;

 

Once your kisses were the sweetest thing I ever knew, finer than the best summer wine, enough to make my heart start pounding, and my head spin for pure happiness. It was so long ago, that first kiss of ours, but I can still remember how dizzy I felt, and how I could never believe as it was me you wanted. But you did, didn't you, me dear, and those kisses of yours had me convinced, soon enough. Once I thought to spend the rest of my life tasting your mouth, drinking down those kisses, touching every bit of you, knowing even then that there would never be enough time. Once I thought I'd hold you in my arms every night, kiss you a new day every morning, until we had both grown so very old together, and even then it would never had been enough.

&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;&amp;

 

But that never happened, and I lost you, my heart. All I could see in your eyes was misery and emptiness, and no matter how hard I tried to love you, in the end, it was never enough. You deserve to be happy again, me darling, to smile and laugh, to open your beautiful eyes up to all the wonder in the world, to find it in your heart to heal and love again. And so I did the hardest thing I've ever done, giving my life over to only the whisper of a maybe, my forever love. It was the last thing I had left to give you.


End file.
